Relationship Research:

Marriage researcher John Gottman of the Gottman Institute found that 69% of conflicts involve perpetual or unresolvable problems even in successful marriages. Couples spend years and huge amounts of energy trying to change the other person, but significant disagreements are about values and different ways of seeing the world – things that don’t change. People in successful relationships know this and attempt to acknowledge and to live with their partner's differences.  Not all things are wise to accept however.

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The clip below describes key findings about the importance of relationship on physical and mental health.  It synthesizes results from a 75 year longitudinal study of Harvard graduates, one of the most enduring studies that has been done on what makes people happy and thier lives productive.  Recently, George Vaillant, who directed the study for more than three decades published a summation of the insights the study has yielded. Among them:

• Alcohol abuse was the main cause of divorce between the Grant Study men and their wives; it was strongly correlated with neurosis and depression (which tended to follow alcohol abuse, rather than precede it); and—together with associated cigarette smoking—it was the single greatest contributor to their early morbidity and death.

• Late in their professional lives, the men’s boyhood relationships with their mothers—but not with their fathers—were associated with effectiveness at work.

• On the other hand, warm childhood relations with fathers correlated with lower rates of adult anxiety, greater enjoyment of vacations, and increased “life satisfaction” at age 75.

• Vaillant’s key takeaway, in his own words: “The seventy-five years and twenty million dollars expended on the Grant Study points … to a straightforward five-word conclusion: ‘Happiness is love. Full stop.’ ”

Source: www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/05/thanks-mom/309287/

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Did you know that one of the most popular TED talks of all time was done by Houston University social work professor Brené Brown?  In a funny, insightful and poignant presentation Professor Brown talks about her research on the power of vulnerability and the impact of shame on relationship. This research identifies vulnerability as a core value in healthy relationships. 

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Brene Brown went on to do a second TED talks presentation about her research that was amazing in a similar way to the first, where she dares greatly to demonstrate her own vulnerability.

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In this 6 minute clip from an interview with Brene Brown she describes what her research data revealed about boundaries in relationships. (below).  For the full interview click here.

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Gottman Institute did research to find behaviour most likely to predict divorce.  Not only did they identify the 4 behaviours that do the most damage, they called them the '4 horsemen of the apocalypse.'  

Gottman Institute defines the 4 horsemen and proposes evidence-based antidotes:

Criticism <- attacks the character of the recipient instead of focussing on a specific behaviour

Antidote -> an I statement that expresses needs or preferences

Contempt <- an expression of superiority e.g. sneering, sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, cynicism, mockery, hostile humour (the greatest predictor of relationship failure)

Antidote ->  treat each other with respect and cultivate a culture of gratitude in the relationship

Defensiveness <- self-protecting with ‘righteous’ indignation or playing the victim; an underhanded way of blaming your partner and avoiding responsibility for the conflict

Antidote -> accept responsibility even if only for part of the conflict

Stonewalling <- the listener withdraws from the conversation without resolving anything;

Antidote -> break for at least 20 minutes and regain calmness, then return to the conversation

(for more detail click here).  

For a more comprehensive list of the factors in their research data that predict divorce visit the following article: The 6 Things that Predict Divorce. Using the 'name-it-to-tame-it' principle this information may start couples who are in trouble to start heading in a better direction.  If you are ready to go beyond a 'start' and book for counselling with an experienced counsellor contact details for Owen are on the right of this page (above).

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Gottman Institute identified 7 principles that improve a marriage.  Here is a summary of the findings in a 7 minute and 7 second video.

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Dr Stan Tatkin explains why relationships can be so hard using brain-science in this TEDx Talks clip.

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Here is a clip Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships from TEDxSBU.